Moving to a new country is always challenging, but it becomes even more difficult when children are involved. While parents may work remotely and maintain their social circles, children often face more immediate challenges. They have to attend school in a foreign language, lose their established social connections, and may not fully understand why the move was necessary. Child psychologist Anna Shatalova, a licensed specialist in dyslexia, dyscalculia, ADHD, and neuropsychology, shares her advice on the most common questions from parents who have moved or are planning to move with their children.
1. How can I prepare my child for the idea of immigration?
Unfortunately, there’s no way to gently introduce the idea of moving. It’s similar to difficult events like divorce — painful no matter what. The older the child, the harder it is for them. Saying, “We might have to move,” only leads to prolonged anxiety and uncertainty, which can cause behavioral issues and learning difficulties.
So, once you've made the decision to move, talk to your child calmly and from a balanced state of mind. You’ll find the right words. Be sure to explain the positive aspects of the move that they can look forward to.
2. How can we ease the transition if the move was unexpected?
First, get yourself into a state of balance. Whether it’s through heartfelt talks with friends, sessions with a therapist, or practicing yoga and meditation — do whatever helps you feel calm. Your emotional state will directly influence your child’s.
Second, “fall in love” with the new place and circumstances. Become your child’s guide to their new life. Show them how exciting it can be to try surfing if you’re in Portugal or how fun and safe biking can be in a place like Amsterdam.
3. How do I choose a school or daycare when immigrating? Is it more important to focus on ease of adaptation or education quality?
The answer depends on your child’s age and mental state. For older students, the priority should be the quality of education. Younger and middle school children are more at psychological risk because their cognitive functions — such as perception, memory, attention, willpower, and social emotions — are not yet fully developed. They will need more time to adapt, and sometimes repeating a school year can be beneficial.
4. What should I consider when choosing a school or daycare for adaptation purposes?
From my experience, children adapt more quickly in environments with other immigrant children. Adaptation is about making the new place feel “familiar,” and friends are what make a place feel like home. The quickest way to make friends is by finding other immigrant children. Local children tend to distinguish between “us” and “them,” and it takes time for them to accept a newcomer as one of their own.
5. How can we help children overcome language barriers in a new country?
Lead by example! Learn key phrases and try to communicate with locals. Don’t be afraid to laugh at your own mistakes — self-irony can be a great tool.
6. What are effective ways to reduce a child’s stress related to the changes after a move?
First, allow your child to grieve if they had an established social life in your previous country. Listen to them, and if you don’t have the emotional capacity, consider involving a therapist.
Second, provide unconditional acceptance and understanding. Be the source of calm and confidence. Familiar routines and traditions from your old life can help ground your child during the early stages of the move.
7. How does the adaptation process differ for children with developmental challenges? How can we support them?
When moving with children who have developmental challenges, focus on maintaining familiar routines, traditions, and structure. They will need twice as much time to adapt compared to neurotypical children, and you should closely monitor for signs of anxiety or aggression, as these can signal regression. It's best to move with pre-established support plans for their continued development and therapy.
8. When should we seek help from a psychologist?
Seek professional help if you feel overwhelmed and unable to manage your child’s emotions, or if listening and being present (containering) no longer seems to ease their distress. If you feel anger, emptiness, or helplessness, or if your child’s behavior has significantly changed, it may be time to consult a therapist. Sometimes, all that’s needed is a chance to talk things through, understand your child, regain your footing, and continue moving forward.
9. What challenges do children face when they have to move between countries multiple times? How can we help them maintain social connections and feel secure?
Children in this situation:
↪︎ Become experts at saying goodbye: at first it’s painful, but each time it gets a little easier.
↪︎ Face conflicts between cultural expectations but tend to adjust more quickly than adults.
↪︎ Don’t strongly identify with any single culture, country, or political system, and often lack firm religious beliefs, which can lead to feelings of anxiety.
The best way to help is to get them involved in clubs, sports, or activities where they can make friends. This is also a great way for parents to meet others.
10. What age-related factors should be considered during the adaptation process?
The younger the child, the easier it is, as their comfort zone is wherever their parents are emotionally balanced. The most difficult age for moving is during adolescence. By ages 13-14, teens have already started to separate from their parents and identify with their peer groups. Moving at this stage is like stripping them of their emotional “skin” — it’s extremely painful.
They have to rebuild their social life from scratch, and it can take a tremendous amount of energy to regain their previous social status. They have to make new friends, and their future feels uncertain. As a result, this can lead to a drop in motivation for school, low self-esteem, heightened conflict, and even aggression.
How can parents help in this situation? Lower your expectations, accept your child as they are, and give them the space to express themselves (containering). Teach them how to adapt and organize their life. Offer support and instill confidence in their ability to cope.
